On Hot Sauce and Murder

My Bestest Friendâ„¢ and I recently had a conversation during which I informed her that I would not hesitate to kill her and her boyfriend (who is a fun guy; I have nothing against him) should Milla Jovovich suddenly appear and ask me to. You wanna know how I know Sharon’s my best friend? Her response was “Dude, I’d be pretty disgusted with you if she asked you to kill me and you didn’t.” That’s a true friend, folks.

But do you know, when trying to explain this to others, I have been less than successful. Most people simply do not understand and I don’t know how to explain it to them. Their loss I suppose. I was just trying to explain to them the second most likely cause that I would go on a murderous rampage (the first most likely cause is being fed up with their dumbity).

After careful consideration, I have recently expanded my list of hot chicks I would kill for to three people. Aside from the aforementioned person, I would also add Jemma Griffiths (aka the singer Jem) and the ubiquitous Angelina Jolie.

On a less homicidal note, we had another discussion relating to giving up various favorite foods for significant others. Now, if you know me at all, you know that for me Hot Sauce > *. It’s just how things are. Almost everything is better with hot sauce (notable exceptions being drinks and deserts). If I was dating someone and they wanted me to give up hot sauce, I gotta tell ya, I’d kick em to the curb… unless they’re one of the three I mention above. For them, I would give up hot sauce. Everyone else, talk to the hand.

I just felt you all should know this just in case one day you decide to date me and want me to give up hot sauce. Know that this will not happen. And if I show up at your door unexpectedly with a big grin and an even bigger pointy stick, don’t be scared or sad. Know that your sacrifice will ensure good times for me. Because in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about? Good times… for me.

This post brought to you by Enchiritos drowning in habanero hot sauce with a touch of Dave’s Total Insanity Sauce and lots and lots of boredom. Oh, and the letter S.