Super Wha?

Posted by Daljit of NORN on January 24th, 2006 filed in Video Games

Excerpted from Nintendo’s description of Super Princess Peach, an upcoming sidescroller in the Mario style for the Nintendo DS:

“When Bowser kidnaps Mario and Luigi and gets hold of the magical Vibe Wand, he heads off for Vibe Island with a troop of minions in tow.”
“Peach gives chase, only to find herself affected by the vibes given off by the island.”
“…make vegetation grow with her tears!”
“…you must use Peach’s vibes to break through impediments…”
“To build up Peach’s vibe powers, collect gems or pick up enemies with your magic parasol and absorb them.”
“Peach’s vibe powers include: … Gloom: Peach weeps and runs incredibly fast, during which time she’s invincible. Her tears can cause plants to grow, among other things.”

I… I don’t even know what to say. When I heard that Nintendo was coming out with a Mario sidescroller that was like the oldskool Mario games, I was all happy. Then I heard it was gonna star the Princess. While strange, I have learned to give Nintendo the benefit of the doubt, considering other seemingly wrong/broken/wtf concepts have worked really well. For example, Super Mario Sunshine, while having a crazy ass premise, turned out to be a really good game that I am still unable to beat. Touchscreen on a handheld? Blasphemy! Except that it’s not. Over the years, they’ve done some crazy ass shit, but it winds up working, for the most part. So I figured I’d give this game a try.

But look at those quotes up there.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Her tears make plants grow, for fuck’s sake. What is that shit? She’s “affected” by some vibes? I’ll bet she is. How is this not going to be rated AO by the ESRB? I’m not sure I’m even old enough to play this. Fucking crazy ass Nintendo. What… just… what the hell where they thinking? I’d ask “Who the hell wants to know about the princess and her vibes?” but I’m afraid of the response I’d get.

I really wanted to play this game, too. I still kind of do, but… VIBES?! No, I don’t need to know about anyone’s fucking vibes, least of all Princess Fucking Toadstool’s vibes.

Thank you and goodnight.

Comments are closed.