Case File N-002: Scooby-doobie-DIE!

Posted by Daljit of NORN on June 7th, 2006 filed in Asteroid Pies

This is an interesting conspiracy. Most people laugh when I tell them about this. No one takes this seriously. And truthfully, now, no one needs to. But I felt I should inform you all of your idiocy, and of the tremendous debt you owe me and The NORN Collective.

Scooby… what can I say? I have a seven year history with this vile creature! It all started innocently enough one crappy day in art class, back when I was in 8th grade. We were making stuff with clay and I had just given form to Demented Kite Boy (DKB). He was in the kiln along with some other stuff people had made, the only other one of consequence being one made by my long time friend Dave. There was a mysterious kiln meltdown, where all the heating wires became unusually hot and melted some magical stuff inside the kiln, which oozed over the stuff baking inside, effectively killing DKB and whatever my friend had made.

We were pissed.

I mean, it’s not like it was just another art project. I had spent two weeks making a full face mask of DKB, and my friend had spent a month making a full figure (almost a eight inches tall) of something or other. All our work, gone, in the blink of an eye. It was almost a year before we made the connection. At the time we just accepted that it was fate fucking with us.

But we were wrong.

The scene shifts from the early spring of that year to mid autumn. We were now in high school. 9th grade. New school and everything. We thought we’d escaped the troubles of the old, crappy middle school. But trouble follows me around like iron filings follow a magnet in an outdated 6th grade science class filmstrip.
Scooby had already struck against us twice, and we didn’t even know it. But we found out soon enough. Report card time rolled around. Me and Dave were in the same math class (taught by a blatantly homosexual guy who liked to molest the male students… ::shudder::). We had a friendly rivalry to see who scored higher on tests and the like. We were pretty close. I ended the quarter with a 91, he ended with an 89. To add insult to injury, he had missed a 90 (which is the cutoff for an A for us… I hear different schools do it differently) by a fraction of a point… his average for the quarter was an 89.49… but the teacher wouldn’t give him the 89.5 and round up to a 90. We looked back at his tests to see what he could have done differently… it all came down to one bonus question on the first test.

“What was the name of Scooby Doo’s owner?”

The answer, as any half-wit that grew up in the country can tell you, is Shaggy. Every single person in the class got it right, except for Dave. The teacher even made it a point to announce that only one person got the bonus wrong when he handed back the test. We looked at each other for a second when we noticed that, and I asked him, “How did you get that wrong? Didn’t you know?” He replied, “Of course I did. I don’t know what happened. I just blanked.” We both thought that was very odd. We didn’t suspect anything yet, but when a slew of bad stuff started happening to us over the next few months, especially in that class, we got suspicious. It was really odd that everything bad that happened to him in that class (aside from the teacher molesting him, as he tried to do to all the guys… ::shudders again::), could somehow be traced back to Scooby. It was then that we realized he was behind it all.
The missed fraction of a point, the death threats forcing me to abandon my slightly odd style of dress and opt for jeans and a sweatshirt (no power in this world will make me tell you what I used to wear… just accept that I was a dork once. ), the mysterious disappearance of books, papers, pens/pencils, and a host of other odd occurrences. It was all Scooby. He followed us around all through high school, striking at us and occasionally at those close to us (case in point, my old US History teacher), making our lives hell.
He would cause all sorts of problems, from screwing up computers and stuff, to making things disappear, and even going so far as to trying to rewrite history to screw us up on tests. It was horrible. It never ended with his mindless practical jokes and vicious attacks. When we graduated high school, we thought we left him behind. But we were wrong. We had suspected that he’d cloned himself and sent one or more of these Scooby Clones™ after us, but we could never prove it. It was confirmed after college started, though. I was in NY, he was in FL, yet we were both plagued by Scooby attacks. That was all the proof we needed.

We were determined to rid ourselves of this menace.

It wasn’t easy though, especially since Shaggy decided to become my math teacher second semester of freshmen year. (I swear to you my teacher was Shaggy. That or a Shaggy Clone™. The resemblance was too close for any other possibility.) Needless to say, I didn’t do to well in that class. In fact, I don’t know of anyone who did. Shaggy should stick to being a cartoon character, cause he can’t teach.

Then Dave gets a girlfriend who may or may not be an Agent of Scooby. I say this because Dave suddenly slacks off in the fight against Scooby and develops a certain affinity for Scooby stickers and other Scooby paraphernalia. It was very disturbing. I tried talking to him about it, but he violently denied any connection, as did his girlfriend, The Illustrious Rachel. I had my suspicions, but I decided to give Dave the benefit of the doubt, which was a good thing. It turned out that The Illustrious Rachel, didn’t have any ties with Scooby.

But something had to be done. Scooby’s reign of terror was spreading. I heard about a new movie that was in pre-production that was gonna be a live action version of Scooby Doo. That was what did it. I mobilized the NORN forces and went after the demented dog from hell. We found his hideout and there was a really big battle, in which Nornan III, who fought valiantly, was gravely injured. But the NORN triumphed and killed off Scooby and all his minions, along with the evil mastermind Scrappy. Nornan III is making a full recovery and all is NORN-al.

The world owes the NORN many debts… this is the second time that we’ve saved humanity… but we want nor expect no thanks. All we ask is that you spread the word of these conspiracies and be on the guard for new ones… one never knows where evil may lurk.

Update #1:
Although Scooby, Scrappy, Shaggy, and the bulk of their armies were destroyed, a few of these bottom feeders survived. They’ve been working ceaselessly to restore their former empire to it’s virulant glory. I… I can hardly bring myself to speak of the unbelievably horror of what they’ll be unleashing upon an unsuspecting world. It’s evil is drawn directly from the depths of the darkest parts of hell. It is… I cannot defile the pages of this site with it’s foul name. Click here to see it in all it’s horror.

Update #2:
Despite our efforts, the first movie unfortunately came to pass. And then there was a second movie. Scooby’s agents are still active at some level, but it seems as if they have learned their lesson when it comes to interfering with the business of The NORN Collective. Their evil persists in this world, but it is for another, not the Collective, to battle.

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