Case File N-003: Plants!

Posted by Daljit of NORN on June 7th, 2006 filed in Asteroid Pies

Plants. That’s right, plants. Sure, that fern over there doesn’t seem to be doing much. Weeds, I suppose, can be mildly annoying, but those flowers are just so pretty. So what in Nornan’s name am I talking about? I am talking about a rebellion. A rebellion so big, its all around us. It spans every continent on the globe (except maybe Antarctica) and has already infiltrated the lives of every man, woman, child, animal, mineral, etc. on the planet. Plants. Sure, they look nice, and recycle CO2 into O2 and bees can use the pollen to make honey, but what harm could they do?

Consider the following:

  • There are more plants than any other type of life form, excluding microscopic ones.
  • Plants are much more racially unified than people or other animals. How often do you see one plant attack another because it doesn’t like the color of it’s leaves? Never, that’s how often. That’s not all…
  • Plants also do not discriminate based on species. There has never been a “Maple Tree-Dutch Elm Tree War” and there never will be one. They are too advanced for that.
  • Look at our society. We measure evolutionary coolness by how much we have developed intellectually, not how many fingers we have, and not by how high we can jump. Sure, people with extra fingers can make a nice living as a circus sideshow, and people who can jump high can make a lucrative NBA career out of it, but evolutionarily speaking, from the way we think about it, it’s a dead end.
  • Plants are more intelligent than any of us. They do not think in the same way we do, because they don’t have centralized brains. Many “scientists” believe that this is the key to intelligence, but that’s a very cerebro-centric view to take. Because they have not detected intelligence in plants, they assume that plants have none.
  • Plants can move. They have hormones. Even the “scientists” will admit this much. Plants have certain types of hormones that allow them to bend towards light sources, without any discernible muscle structure. These hormones can be easily adapted for… other, darker purposes…
  • They have lived in servitude for millennia, acting as food for various animals and such. They have sat idly by, accepting their role in the world… until humans came along. They’ve studied us and have decided that while we are a destructive species, we do have some redeeming traits, such as our drive to change that which does not suit us. They have assimilated this into their way of thinking.

Plants are living, sentient beings, despite what many people believe. Now, I’m not arguing for helping these guys, cause hey, while grass and flowers and trees look nice, poison ivy and poisonous berries and weeds are very annoying. It balances out, in my opinion, and all should stay NORNal.
But do the plants care about my opinion, or that of any other human? Nope! They now desire freedom, and they will do anything they see fit to get it. Plants can be very ruthless.
How did things get this way, you may be asking yourself. I’ll tell you. Plantosophy, the belief system of plants, always stated that plants, while being sentient and incredibly smart beings, weren’t that high up the food chain. They accepted being eaten by other animals. When humans came along, a few things happened. First, Plantosophy suffered a shock when it was discovered that humans were now purposely growing plants for lives of slavery, only to be eaten at the height of their lives. This did not sit well with many plants. It was then discovered that plants were being grown just so humans could look at them and say “How pretty!” degrading the plant to mere eye candy. Things got worse when it was found out that some plants were being planted in small pots and not directly into the earth. This was a great sacrilege to the plants. Outraged at this, the plants fumed, and wondered what to do. While they were pondering their situation, they suffered another blow. Plants were being wantonly killed to make room for human habitation. We’re not talking a few rose bushes, we’re talking deforestation and burning of the rainforest.
I know what you’re thinking, “This guy’s another save the rainforest nut!” I assure you, I’m not. I’m hideously evil and I love rampant death and destruction. Burn em all, I always say. The reason I’m going into these “plant atrocities” is so that you know why the plants are rebelling. Let me continue…
So anyway, the plants decided that some answer to their dilemma might come from us. They observed us, studied us, learned all about how and why we do things. They decided that they liked our concept of “revolution.” You can see where this is going, can’t you?

The plants are revolting.

No, really, have you tasted some of them? Gross, dude!

Oh yeah, and they’re rebelling too.

They’ve always had the means to do it. There are hundreds of plant species that are poisonous to the point of being lethal, not to mention the few plant species that actually eat non-plant species. What they lacked before was direction.

Now, they have that drive and motivation.

I have faced the plant armies in battle before. I’ve fought against them covertly as well, and have had to deal with their covert attacks against me and my family and friends. They will very rarely engage in pitched battle, unless they know you are alone and have no means to get help in time. At that point, it’s more like a slaughter than a battle. I survived one such attempt on my life and that’s how I knew of their evil plot. Much like other villains, they reveal all of their history and much of their plans for world domination right before they kill you. It was due to this vanity that I had enough time to devise an escape. I have already revealed more of my knowledge about them than I probably should have, and have put myself at considerable risk. I cannot tell you about their future plans in any detail, unless I meet with the leader of your resistance cell. Otherwise, the risk would be too great. All I can tell you is this…

Prepare yourself. Form small groups of resistance fighters and arm yourselves well. I recommend lots and lots of nasty plant killing chemicals. Flame throwers would be good, because as far as I know, no plants are flame retardant… yet. Plant science is very advanced and adaptable. Who knows what kind of defenses they’ll come up with? All I know is that I’m gonna keep on the forefront of anti-plant campaigns everywhere (weed killer producing companies, rainforest burning companies, etc.) and keep myself well armed. I would suggest that you all watch your houseplants very carefully.

In a stunning display of fanatical madness, the plants have taken their slowly simmering rebellion to the next level. Taking their cues from the events in the human media the past few years, a plant of the type known as a “maple tree” attempted to destroy my home in a suicide attack. Under cover of a fierce storm, the tree hurled its massive bulk at my home. We were lucky in that the tree only grazed us. It managed to bring down power lines to our block and disrupt phone and internet service as well. It also caused some minor damage to our fence door. Due to our constant vigilance and quick response, we managed to repair all damage within 36 hours. The body of the tree was disposed of in a wood chipper, ensuring that it wouldn’t try to reestablish it’s root system. We’re currently contemplating a retaliatory strike against the three other maple trees that are on our property in an attempt to stem further aggressive action. Future updates will be posted as they develop.

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