Case File N-005: The Terrible Secret of “Rhode Island”

Posted by Daljit of NORN on June 7th, 2006 filed in Asteroid Pies

You may believe that the United States of America has 50 states. You’d be wrong. All kids are taught in school that our country has 50 states, Rhode Island being one of them. We are forced to know their names and state capitols. While one should have a good working knowledge of one’s country, one should not be fed glaring falsehoods such as we are fed concerning the alleged state of “Rhode Island.”

You may be wondering exactly what variety of mushroom I ate when I was frolicking in my backyard during those unseasonably warm days we had, but I assure you, I’m not under the influence of anything but my own resolve to put a stop to this horrible deception. The NORN proposes that “Rhode Island” does not exist. We propose that this is an elaborate deception set up by our government. The reasoning for this deception, however, remains a mystery.

Before you make a decision to stand with us against the night, consider the following:

  • The alleged state is called Rhode Island, yet it is not an island. It’s not even a peninsula. THERE IS NO WAY IT ANYONE COULD MISTAKE IT FOR AN ISLAND.
  • Driving through the state, at the same constant speed, on different days can take varying amounts of time. There have been reports of people making it through in just a few minutes, while for others it takes hours.
  • There are odd weather patterns that seem to reside solely within that “state.” We have witnessed mysterious fog that stops at the border between “Rhode Island” and Connecticut. There is also a noticeable temperature difference that has no correlation to the time of year.
  • “Rhode Island” is, according to research data, populated by government-built killer androids. Each of these androids has uncharacteristically good looks. Each and every one. None of these people would stand out in a crowd, but individually, they would appear… aesthetically pleasing. It could be argued that we’ve only met the nicer looking residents of the so-called state, but on three separate sorties, we’ve not found one displeasing face.
  • The interstate that runs through it (I-95) is a marvel of advanced science. We believe that it is only a few miles long and curves local space-time so that a driver could be driving over the same land hundreds of times and not know it. Exit numbers don’t flow in a normal, logical order; they tend to skip around. Exits have exits of their own, as odd as that may seem. The entire place is a navigational hazard. Maps don’t accurately portray the direction and length of streets… but how could they if such things are changing on an almost hourly basis? Due to this, we believe that “Rhode Island” is even smaller than current maps claim it to be. All of this has a direct link to the oddity of the second item on this list.
  • Concerning the above item, it should also be noted that exits leading into “small towns” in “Rhode Island” all invariably look the same. They will have a Dunkin Donuts that is mysteriously closed, and a Bess Eaton’s donut shop that is open 24/7. This shop sells everything Dunkin Donuts does, with the addition of two items. A coffee mug with bible quotes on it. I wish I was making that up, but I’m not. We will post pictures of this evil shortly. They also sell an item called Testamints… something best described as (in the words of my assassin, spinne of NORN), “Velamints with inspirational phrases printed on the wrapper. They’re truly frightening. They are an abomination.” Other than that, they all have a shady motel whose logo has something to do with a sun. Each of these motels bears a strong resemblance to the infamous Bates Motel. If one were to get off at a random exit, such as 3B, and take a right at the end of the ramp, one would see a few stores, gas stations, and other small town errata. You could continue to go down that road until there were no more street lamps and it was totally dark and the road would keep getting narrower and narrower until each of your tires is scraping the ends of the sidewalk on either side of the street and your car is straddling the double yellow line. How this is accomplished is not known for certain, but it more than likely is a side effect of the space folding technology used to perpetuate I-95. If you were to take a left instead of a right at the exit ramp, you’d see the shady motel, and then you’d have the same exact experience that you had if you’d turned right, with the same stores and narrowing street and lack of lighting. What waits at the ends of those streets we dare not find out until we have more cannon fodder… err, until we have more brave souls willing to accompany us and fight alongside us as we lead the charge for freedom. Yes.
  • When driving through this freakish government experiment, you’ll notice that anywhere from 50-100% of the cars will not have “Rhode Island” license plates. They will all be from out of state. Granted, one sees out-of-state plates in their own home state all the time, but not to this degree. It is theorized that the cars bearing the “Rhode Island” plates are driven by the same androids the government has doing other things as well. As to the reason why there are so few cars with the “Rhode Island” plates in the “state”, that remains a mystery. Oddly, we’ve encountered more cars sporting “Rhode Island” plates in the New York suburban areas than we have in the alleged state itself.

In light of this evidence, what argument can stand? Who can dispute the sinister undertones of the entire “state”? Which of you will stand beside us as we attempt to free the east coast from this dark blemish placed upon us?

There are several new developments to discuss regarding this case file. First, and most importantly, the version of the text you see above is an older version. Due to sabotage of our web host by the government forces responsible for “Rhode Island” security, the more current version of this case file was lost. The “Rhode Island” security forces attempts are ultimately futile. We have been victorious and we shall spread the word of that victory! The above version of this case file does not contain the record of our last two RAMPAGEs! through “Rhode Island,” in which we managed to defeat it both in broad daylight and darkest night, so I will relate these events now:
The NORN Collective struck a stunning blow for free citizens everywhere when we, with special guest star Dave from Michigan traveled to this land of villainy and depravity to confront the mystical dinner truck which roams the hellish streets of Providence. Not only did we find said dinner truck, we managed to eat its food and saw a statue of my mom. Prior to this trip, myself and the agent known as spinne of NORN ventured forth to this evil land during the day. We were sucked into the gravity well of a black hole disguised as a miniature golf course. Though we were outnumbered and outgunned, we made a brave accounting of ourselves and managed to not only escape from that black pit of despair, but we also played a full round of mini golf.
Clearly, these events prove that the monolithic menace of “Rhode Island,” while daunting, is not undefeatable. The government’s evil can be stopped, as we have done on no less than two occasions. It is this agent’s belief that severe damage was caused to the operations of “Rhode Island” during our last two attacks. There has been a sharp decline of “Rhode Island” agents in our local area. We cannot let our guard down, however. Those villainous fiends are not entirely inactive. They sent an agent to infiltrate my university and attempt to be my friend. The android they send posed as a stunningly attractive human female in an attempt to have my lust override my judgment and succumb to her evils. I am pleased to report another victory in that I resisted all attempts at seduction and capture. I have now graduated from that university, so the agents of doom will have to find another way to try to destroy the Collective.

Current score: “Rhode Island” 3, NORN Collective 3

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